So on Sunday morning, Nate and I went and toured a local wedding banquet place. We liked the style of the place okay (well, we liked the reception room--I wasn't a fan of the ceremony site), and they seemed well equipped for food, booze, and music... but we didn't love it enough to pay what they were asking for it, and something about the wedding package deal still gives me the heebie-jeebies. I thought I might feel better about it once we went and saw the place, and it's true, they were much more flexible in their packages and rates than I thought they would be... but I left feeling like they were trying to pitch us a bunch of stuff we didn't need or care about, and feeling guilty and inadequate for not liking what they had to offer.
Guilty and inadequate pretty much sums up how I felt yesterday. I haven't written about this at all yet, and hadn't spoken about it until last night, when I talked to Nate about it, but I really don't like what my head has been doing in the last few months. Yesterday was particularly bad; I basically started crying for pretty much no reason at 12:30 or 1 and it kept up off and on all day long. I just felt so useless and guilty about what a shitty person I was, I didn't even really want Nate to comfort me, because I didn't deserve it. Fun, right?
I don't know if my depression is back, or if I'm doing or not doing something that I previously hadn't associated with my mood, but all is not well in Sarahville. I'm starting to make small changes to the lifestyle to see if anything helps (upping the protein and decreasing the carbs, taking my fish oil, exercising more), but I'm worried I may have let it go on too long already. I hate feeling worthless and inadequate, which is how my depression has always manifested itself in the past, and I hate feeling like I can't take care of myself or marshal my own thoughts, but that, too, is a way depression has used my brain against me in the past. It's hard to tell, because this particular event/series of events/episode/whatever you want to call it seems to be working in cycles, so I can't tell if I'm depressed with a capital D, having mood swings linked to hormones and body chemistry, or what. Time will tell.
I kind of think the wedding planning stuff has thrown a lot of self-esteem stuff into the foreground of my brain that I've been pretty much avoiding or shrugging off for years now. I don't really know how to deal with it. :/ I want to go into this marriage as healthy and self-sufficient as possible, so I can be a supportive partner. If all this mental bullshit keeps up, I'm not sure how to make that happen.
Guilty and inadequate pretty much sums up how I felt yesterday. I haven't written about this at all yet, and hadn't spoken about it until last night, when I talked to Nate about it, but I really don't like what my head has been doing in the last few months. Yesterday was particularly bad; I basically started crying for pretty much no reason at 12:30 or 1 and it kept up off and on all day long. I just felt so useless and guilty about what a shitty person I was, I didn't even really want Nate to comfort me, because I didn't deserve it. Fun, right?
I don't know if my depression is back, or if I'm doing or not doing something that I previously hadn't associated with my mood, but all is not well in Sarahville. I'm starting to make small changes to the lifestyle to see if anything helps (upping the protein and decreasing the carbs, taking my fish oil, exercising more), but I'm worried I may have let it go on too long already. I hate feeling worthless and inadequate, which is how my depression has always manifested itself in the past, and I hate feeling like I can't take care of myself or marshal my own thoughts, but that, too, is a way depression has used my brain against me in the past. It's hard to tell, because this particular event/series of events/episode/whatever you want to call it seems to be working in cycles, so I can't tell if I'm depressed with a capital D, having mood swings linked to hormones and body chemistry, or what. Time will tell.
I kind of think the wedding planning stuff has thrown a lot of self-esteem stuff into the foreground of my brain that I've been pretty much avoiding or shrugging off for years now. I don't really know how to deal with it. :/ I want to go into this marriage as healthy and self-sufficient as possible, so I can be a supportive partner. If all this mental bullshit keeps up, I'm not sure how to make that happen.
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