Pre-weddin' depression?

Things are not necessarily well in Sarahville.

I've mentioned this a little peripherally (I think), but I've been having a lot of anxiety and moodiness in the last couple of months. I don't like to use the word "depression," because that has a lot of associations for me that have to do with pathology and diagnoses and serotonin and genetic predispositions, but sometimes it's hard to categorize the mood I'm in any other way. I've been holding off on doing anything about it because it hasn't acted like the depression I'm used to--no panic attacks (thank God), no daily routine of wake up in last night's bad mood, morning in a grey haze, perk up a bit in the afternoon, nap through the evening, go to sleep, wake up 3 hours early in last night's bad mood, rinse, repeat.

I've been trying to make little lifestyle changes to make it better or worse, experimenting with my mood the way I'll tweak a cocktail recipe--maybe more sleep, maybe less sleep, maybe a rigid sleep schedule, maybe more protein, maybe less sugar, more cardio, less cardio, timing the days and times I exercise to the hour, allowing myself to have fun or escape with video games or books, all the usual little self-pampering or body-chemistry-altering things I've tried in the past don't seem to be working on this.

I've also started noticing some non-mood physical symptoms that are red flags for me--I'm definitely having sleep disturbances (nightmares, light sleeping, early morning awakening, difficulty falling asleep) and difficulty concentrating (while reading, trying to work at work, cooking, doing multiple simple tasks at once around the house, etc.). My appetite has decreased, and I'm tired all the time. I've been irritable, snappish, and antsy--wanting to do a lot of stuff and not having the mental wherewithal to finish some of it, or finishing it and discovering that I don't feel any happier or more satisfied now that I've done the task I set out to do, so I'd better do something else!

So this has been going on off and on for the last year or so, although definitely not in such huge and frequent intervals as I've experienced recently. It all seems tied in to getting and being engaged, which could be a sign that I'm processing hardcore emotional shit under the surface and need to deal with it directly, or a sign that I've been ignoring the return of a chemical imbalance in my brain for long enough that it's using a big life change to trigger symptoms I can't ignore. Like the low-grade-hangover + bag-of-rice-on-chest + brain-wrapped-in-cotton thing that's going on today. :/

I bought a book called Emotionally Engaged which is written by a therapist who caters exclusively to brides because her own wedding process was hard for her emotionally. It was really helpful to read--it addresses a lot of the coming-of-age/rite-of-passage stuff women can deal with during the wedding planning process. I, of course, am kicking myself for not thinking of any of that shit at all, just wondering why I wasn't very interested in wedding planning stuff anymore. Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to get married and I definitely want a wedding--but I felt like I had other shit to do before I could start planning the awesome partytime aspect of it, and maybe this is it.

My work insurance has an Employee Assistance Program, so I'm trying to coordinate that with my health insurance to use the 3 free counseling appointments I have access to each year. Hopefully someone with a degree in this shit will be able to help me parse out whether I'm so upset because of the wedding stuff, or I'm upset about the wedding stuff because I'm depressed.

In the meantime, I'm spending a lot of time feeling like the witch zombie in Left 4 Dead--I mostly want to sit in one place and cry... until I want to tear someone's head off.