It's funny how getting engaged pulls people out of the woodwork.
I'm thinking specifically of a few friends from high school, none of whom I've heard from in the last four or five years. I saw a couple of them at group functions once or twice during college (mostly at winter get-togethers hosted by a mutual friend who stayed in touch with them), but never one-on-one, and we never kept up communications independently.
I didn't have a huge circle of friends in high school, although it was a small school and I think I probably counted as "popular" just because I had a very visible presence in the community (see also, I talked a lot). The three girls I'm thinking of (Beth, Sarah, and Claire) were all part of that circle of close friends, but I think the friendships failed the test of time; after high school, we all went our separate ways and didn't speak anymore. I continued relationships with my other close friends, but not those three.
I don't blame them or anything. Communication is a two-way street. I was always a little put-off, however, by the weird social dancing that happened whenever we did meet face-to-face. Claire would say things to the tune of "Yeeeah, we should talk more!" and then never get in touch. Beth left a passive aggressive comment on a LiveJournal entry about two years ago (verbatim: "Why don't I ever hear from you anymore?") and when I replied that I hadn't changed my phone number or email, and that I was doing fine and how was she? I never heard anything back from her. Sarah went to college across the country and apparently never spoke to any of us during the time, period. Weird, weird, weird. I guess everyone got different things out of our social group in high school--seems obvious to say, but hard to comprehend. I got what I thought were seven pretty good friendships. I ended up with three awesome ones, one pretty good one, and three nonexistent ones.
So imagine my surprise when Beth wrote on my Facebook wall saying she was "all a-tingle" with excitement, Claire messaged me her congratulations (although that was mired in some complaining about how hard changing her name, dealing with the in-laws, and planning a party is... Perhaps this is the inagural "You'll seeeee..." of the process). And Sarah left two comments on my truncated engagement story, one congratulating us, and this one, a few comments down:
"So I commented before reading all of this because I just discovered your engagement on facebook and was so excited that I had to say congratulations immediately. Now I've actually read your goose-bump inducing, amazing engagement story and felt the need to post again. Sarah--I know it's been forever since we've been close, but hearing your voice in your writing seriously took me back. The time I briefly met Nate at Scott's reception, I remember thinking, "Sarah has done it--she found her perfect man." I am thrilled that you and Nate will be moving through life together! Congratulations again ♥ ♥ ♥"
I'm thinking specifically of a few friends from high school, none of whom I've heard from in the last four or five years. I saw a couple of them at group functions once or twice during college (mostly at winter get-togethers hosted by a mutual friend who stayed in touch with them), but never one-on-one, and we never kept up communications independently.
I didn't have a huge circle of friends in high school, although it was a small school and I think I probably counted as "popular" just because I had a very visible presence in the community (see also, I talked a lot). The three girls I'm thinking of (Beth, Sarah, and Claire) were all part of that circle of close friends, but I think the friendships failed the test of time; after high school, we all went our separate ways and didn't speak anymore. I continued relationships with my other close friends, but not those three.
I don't blame them or anything. Communication is a two-way street. I was always a little put-off, however, by the weird social dancing that happened whenever we did meet face-to-face. Claire would say things to the tune of "Yeeeah, we should talk more!" and then never get in touch. Beth left a passive aggressive comment on a LiveJournal entry about two years ago (verbatim: "Why don't I ever hear from you anymore?") and when I replied that I hadn't changed my phone number or email, and that I was doing fine and how was she? I never heard anything back from her. Sarah went to college across the country and apparently never spoke to any of us during the time, period. Weird, weird, weird. I guess everyone got different things out of our social group in high school--seems obvious to say, but hard to comprehend. I got what I thought were seven pretty good friendships. I ended up with three awesome ones, one pretty good one, and three nonexistent ones.
So imagine my surprise when Beth wrote on my Facebook wall saying she was "all a-tingle" with excitement, Claire messaged me her congratulations (although that was mired in some complaining about how hard changing her name, dealing with the in-laws, and planning a party is... Perhaps this is the inagural "You'll seeeee..." of the process). And Sarah left two comments on my truncated engagement story, one congratulating us, and this one, a few comments down:
"So I commented before reading all of this because I just discovered your engagement on facebook and was so excited that I had to say congratulations immediately. Now I've actually read your goose-bump inducing, amazing engagement story and felt the need to post again. Sarah--I know it's been forever since we've been close, but hearing your voice in your writing seriously took me back. The time I briefly met Nate at Scott's reception, I remember thinking, "Sarah has done it--she found her perfect man." I am thrilled that you and Nate will be moving through life together! Congratulations again ♥ ♥ ♥"
This seriously made me misty-eyed. It was so sweet and so open--willing to acknowledge that our relationship isn't what it had been, but offering me congratulations and best wishes anyway. And the doubts and skepticism about the other two contacts, I didn't have about Sarah's--where my initial reaction to Beth's was Why are you all "a-tingle," you've never even met my fiance? and my reaction to Claire's was I don't want to get back in touch just so we can complain about wedding prep together, I didn't doubt the sincerity or the goodwill of Sarah's comment.
Of course, doubting the reasons or sincerity of someone's congratulations at all isn't exactly admirable behavior. And it's entirely possible that my lingering feelings of resentment towards Beth and Claire (both of whom I was closer to in high school than I was to Sarah, so I guess I could resent their lack of communication more?) has colored my perspective now.
But they each got back what they gave--Beth got one line accepting her congratulations and thanking her, Claire got a lighthearted message about dealing with wedding prep in which I emphasized being lazy (My response to changing her name, the in-laws, and the party planning: "I'm not; Make sure they live in Idaho and don't visit often, and; Relax. Everything's optional."), and Sarah got a longer, although poorly worded, message of gratitude and appreciation, where I acknowledged that we weren't as close as we had been, but that her words genuinely meant a lot to me. And now we're having a little Facebook message convo about what we're each up to and when we'll both be in the same area so we can grab coffee. Cool.
Anyway, I guess the take-home message is that the less frequently you communicate with someone you were once close to, the more the communication matters when it does happen. It's something I've been pondering all day. :)
Anyway, I guess the take-home message is that the less frequently you communicate with someone you were once close to, the more the communication matters when it does happen. It's something I've been pondering all day. :)
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