One afternoon last week, I found myself napping on some friends' couch in Long Beach for a couple of hours. It had been a long couple of days, including two trips to LA and back, some hospital visits, lots of nerves and worrying, and finally a happy ending. I was completely wiped out exhausted and prone to falling asleep wherever I was sitting, which, in this case, happened to be our friends' house. When I woke up, Adrienne had retrieved their toddler from preschool and Jeff, who works nights, was awake and sociable. I showed him my engagement ring and Nate and I squeed about wedding stuff briefly, and in a flurry of conversation about naming children, family traditions, and cultural traditions and expectations, we came across my opinions on lots of modern traditions.
I had just asked Nate if there were any naming conventions in his family (Nature willing, we'll be reproducing someday, and if I'm marrying into a family where every firstborn daughter is named Euphegenia, I want plenty of warning). He said he couldn't think of any, and I said okay, but to let me know if he could... and that if he wanted to adhere to those conventions, I wanted to know that, too, so I had time to mull it over. This prompted a comment from someone (and I'm not being intentionally vague, I'm just completely exhausted and my memory is bad) about being surprised to hear that from me, because I'm usually pretty anti-tradition.
I felt like I had to clarify that a little bit. By and large, yeah, I wouldn't choose to follow many traditional wedding conventions, and I guess I am sort of anti-tradition by nature... But I don't consider myself a knee-jerk deviant or a reactionary original, if there is such a thing.
What I object to is adhering to tradition for traditions' sake, and the offense that some folks seem to take when other people choose to subvert, alter, or ignore traditions entirely. This is especially true in the land of nuptials, because so many of the traditions are so heavily marketed as being absolutely necessary (because that makes vendors money), and so many of them are evocative of some pretty un-PC sentiments.
One one side of the aisle (pardon the pun) you have the people who can ignore the shitty subtext of a lot of the traditions in favor of acknowledging the nicer points ("My dad isn't giving me away because I'm property--it's because he loves and supports me and my choice to marry, and this ceremony has a role to acknowledge him for that!") The other side decries all the traditions and all the variations on traditions for being unoriginal, overpriced, and discriminatory ("My dad isn't walking me down the aisle because I don't want to be "given away" like a car or a piece of clothing. Anyone who follows that tradition is entering their marriage symbolically submitting their independence and agency to two men--the father and the groom.")
Obviously, there's merit in both perspectives--and challenges in adhering to both, as well. Traditionalists run the risk of getting shit from non-traditionalists for kowtowing to convention (and some traditionalists I've known take offense at the very idea that they wouldn't follow tradition, which just totally boggles my mind, but that's neither here nor there). Non-traditionalists risk offending or getting criticized or questioned for their choices (some folks hear "I'm doing it differently!" and take it to mean "I'm doing it differently from how you did it, because your way was wrong!").
The trick is in figuring out which battles you want to fight, and exactly how far your convictions are going to carry you. For example, I'm not enamored of the father of the bride walking her down the aisle. I saw some pictures on Facebook of a friend's wedding, where her father walked her down the aisle and exchanged a handshake with the groom before taking his seat and I was nauseated. Literally. I know the intention of the gesture was "I approve of you marrying my daughter, and I know you're going to love and take care of her just as much as I do." My first reaction to it was to see it as a property exchange: "Now remember to water her twice a week and till that soil real good, son, if ya know what I mean!" Not a generous perspective. Not an accurate perspective. But a reaction.
A reaction worth basing my own dad's participation in the wedding on? No way. Not for a minute. Not at all. I plan to sit down (or call him, whichever) and ask him honestly if he wants to walk me down the aisle. If he does, he can. My dad's a pretty wonderful guy, and if he's harboring a secret desire to walk his only daughter down the aisle, he gets to. End of story.
And that's my perspective on tradition. If it has meaning for you, adhere to it. If it doesn't, skip it. If you have no opinion, or a weak negative opinion, let someone else's positive opinion dictate what you do. I don't love the walking-down-the-aisle tradition, but I love my dad.
I had just asked Nate if there were any naming conventions in his family (Nature willing, we'll be reproducing someday, and if I'm marrying into a family where every firstborn daughter is named Euphegenia, I want plenty of warning). He said he couldn't think of any, and I said okay, but to let me know if he could... and that if he wanted to adhere to those conventions, I wanted to know that, too, so I had time to mull it over. This prompted a comment from someone (and I'm not being intentionally vague, I'm just completely exhausted and my memory is bad) about being surprised to hear that from me, because I'm usually pretty anti-tradition.
I felt like I had to clarify that a little bit. By and large, yeah, I wouldn't choose to follow many traditional wedding conventions, and I guess I am sort of anti-tradition by nature... But I don't consider myself a knee-jerk deviant or a reactionary original, if there is such a thing.
What I object to is adhering to tradition for traditions' sake, and the offense that some folks seem to take when other people choose to subvert, alter, or ignore traditions entirely. This is especially true in the land of nuptials, because so many of the traditions are so heavily marketed as being absolutely necessary (because that makes vendors money), and so many of them are evocative of some pretty un-PC sentiments.
One one side of the aisle (pardon the pun) you have the people who can ignore the shitty subtext of a lot of the traditions in favor of acknowledging the nicer points ("My dad isn't giving me away because I'm property--it's because he loves and supports me and my choice to marry, and this ceremony has a role to acknowledge him for that!") The other side decries all the traditions and all the variations on traditions for being unoriginal, overpriced, and discriminatory ("My dad isn't walking me down the aisle because I don't want to be "given away" like a car or a piece of clothing. Anyone who follows that tradition is entering their marriage symbolically submitting their independence and agency to two men--the father and the groom.")
Obviously, there's merit in both perspectives--and challenges in adhering to both, as well. Traditionalists run the risk of getting shit from non-traditionalists for kowtowing to convention (and some traditionalists I've known take offense at the very idea that they wouldn't follow tradition, which just totally boggles my mind, but that's neither here nor there). Non-traditionalists risk offending or getting criticized or questioned for their choices (some folks hear "I'm doing it differently!" and take it to mean "I'm doing it differently from how you did it, because your way was wrong!").
The trick is in figuring out which battles you want to fight, and exactly how far your convictions are going to carry you. For example, I'm not enamored of the father of the bride walking her down the aisle. I saw some pictures on Facebook of a friend's wedding, where her father walked her down the aisle and exchanged a handshake with the groom before taking his seat and I was nauseated. Literally. I know the intention of the gesture was "I approve of you marrying my daughter, and I know you're going to love and take care of her just as much as I do." My first reaction to it was to see it as a property exchange: "Now remember to water her twice a week and till that soil real good, son, if ya know what I mean!" Not a generous perspective. Not an accurate perspective. But a reaction.
A reaction worth basing my own dad's participation in the wedding on? No way. Not for a minute. Not at all. I plan to sit down (or call him, whichever) and ask him honestly if he wants to walk me down the aisle. If he does, he can. My dad's a pretty wonderful guy, and if he's harboring a secret desire to walk his only daughter down the aisle, he gets to. End of story.
And that's my perspective on tradition. If it has meaning for you, adhere to it. If it doesn't, skip it. If you have no opinion, or a weak negative opinion, let someone else's positive opinion dictate what you do. I don't love the walking-down-the-aisle tradition, but I love my dad.
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